I forgot why I decided to start up this blog by the time I uploaded my photo. But when I think back I can see many reasons like I left myself and I need to create a new I for myself. I is here as the agent which does things, makes things happen. This part of me left me. I can understand the reason. I was like an addicted lover and she always had some hope for me, encouraged me to break my bad, lazy habits.

Honestly, there is no way to deny the fact that I am pretty much dissapointed in myself. Having had no real ambitious dreams I became 24. I am pretty much at the beginning of my life, I am told by many yet it feels too long. It feels as if I had had so much time to do something for myself but let each chance to slip away from my hands. No. It is more like I pushed them away.

As a brief introduction, I might as well give a general idea of what kind of enviroment I had and how I was generally percieved as. I was born into a young married couple. They didn’t have much money and time for a child but later on our condition became better. When I was 8, they decided to separate their ways. I cannot say it was not hard but my problem was not really their break up but rather being bulllied at school. It did not feel that way then - it might be because in my mother tongue there is not a world for that-  but now I can see clearly I was kindda a victim. Anyways… After changing schools when I was in 6th degree, I was no longer a victim of bully. 

I am sorry… It got soo detailed. Now I will try to make it short. Since I was a child, I was always loved by teacher for being smart but also respectful. I wouldn’t say that I did not argue with them. In fact I was famous with my contradictions with teachers. However later I was also recognised a pretty girl as well. This would be when I was 16. A year later than I decided to be thought of pretty. At university, I decided to be attractive and became one. I believe I still keep a little bit of my charm. When I write like this it looks shiny. BUT… I cannot say that I had any real dreams. I mean dreams that you want to accomplish. All I could think of my future was to become a poet and have a bohemian life and then commit suicide. I cannot say that I had not faced difficulties, in fact I had many of them, but I guess the problem lied in the fact that I didnt think of myself worthy for anything.

Now, again I feel like it. When you are a child or a teenager, it is fine to hide in imagination, in fiction. But it somehow saddens me that even now the happiest times I have in my days are when I talk to myself in fron of the mirror or daydream about various things. 

Though I tried so hard to come over these. I gave my years to change. It feels terrible to see how I am even worse than when I began. This time I do not even have any hope that I can feel alive again. I think about my past as if it could alter, as if i could rewrite it. I dream about future knowing reality can never get surpass it. The reason is not the life itself. It is me. I cannot make anything to satisfy myself. I lost hope in myself. I have no drive to continue what i am doing. It is even painful to recognize that I do not value myself enough to consider about suicide. I do not know what to do. Well. No. It is a lie, I know exactly what I should do but why? Why bother about achieving something?

I guess I forgot to tell that right now I am a master degree student. I wanted to be a scholar. People supported me. But after a while I finished my bachelor, I started to have doubts about my choise. And recognize that I wanted to be respected by people. I would become a tutor at university, get my Phd that nobody could brush away what I got to say. However I did not use my time wisely to change my idea and find a jop at a design or architecture magazine. Somehow I recalled the fact that I liked school. Thefore, somehow, I ended up at department I knew I would not enjoy a lot and right now I want to quit it.

What I really wish for now is to drop school and then have a job -anything would do, at Starbucks or at a bar, as an interpreter- in order to collect some money and then take off for Japan. I want to see these beatiful buildings, listen to koto, learn Japanese, meet people and make a photo book out of it. Yet I am a scared chicken. 

Therefore this blog would be a first step for me to retrive my I. If you really read this till this point. Thank you a lot. 

Sincerly